Yesterday, I was sitting with someone and we were discussing the questions, Is it okay to confront authority? And, if it is okay, How do you confront authority? This is a tough topic and one that is often overlooked. Many people are passive and let things slide that probably shouldn’t slide while others can be very aggressive and too confrontational and as a result they lose the respect of others. That middle ground of humble confrontation is “no man’s land” and often goes undiscussed. I am going to step out on a limb in this post and try to address this topic of confrontation.
Is it Okay to Confront Authority?
Absolutely. I believe that confronting authority is definitely appropriate in certain circumstances under certain conditions. That last part is crucial: confrontation is appropriate in certain circumstances under certain conditions.
Now I am not trying to build up your ego or falsely empower you planting the thought that you can go around pointing out flaws of your higher-ups. Doing that would just make you a self-righteous, unbearable hypocrite. I’ve outlined a few points that you should consider before confronting someone.
How do you confront Authority?
There are four things you must consider before approaching authority with an issue that could be taken personally.
Your Motives: What is your motive for confronting someone? Is it self-gain? Is it to point out a flaw or bring someone down? First and foremost, before you ever bring up a sensitive topic, you must carefully examine your motive. If your motive is not pure and is not geared towards ultimately benefitting the other person, don’t bother bringing it up. Your primary reason for bringing up a sensitive topic with someone should be to help them improve out of genuine care and concern for that individual.
Finding Neutral Territory: Let’s say you are sitting around a lunch table at work and your superior starts making inappropriate and discriminatory jokes and there is someone at the table that is offended. Instead of calling your superior out on the spot, you should wait until you can speak to your superior alone. Waiting will let your anger simmer down and you can thoughtfully think about what you will say. It will also allow you to carefully examine your motives. Now don’t wait too long. As soon as you have a good opportunity, ask the individual you’re confronting if you can speak with them alone for a minute. Make sure you do not wait to long after something has happened.
Approaching the topic: Confrontation is awkward regardless of who you are confronting. Sometimes the issue is the elephant in the room, other times the individual you are going to talk with has no clue what you’re going to talk about. Start by asking a question and approaching the topic delicately. For example you could say, “You said something yesterday that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Did I misunderstand you?” It is vital that you use phrases like, “I feel.” Using phrases like that avoid a confrontational tone and quickly disarm the person you are confronting so that the issue will not escalate.
Respect: I cannot drive home this point enough. Confronting anyone, especially an authority figure, can be a delicate subject. Know your place. Do not overstep social boundaries to bring up an uncomfortable subject and when you do confront authority figures, be sure that every word that comes out of your mouth and every expression on your face broadcasts the fact that you respect this individual and that you merely want to help them be a better person.
We all have blind spots. No one can see 360 degrees of their life so brining up delicate topics can really be a growing experience for both the person being confronted and the person that is doing the confronting. Often pride can get in the way of having pure motives and being respectful. Be sure that when you bring up a tough conversation with anyone, you carefully examine your own motives. And like the Bible says (my paraphrase), “Get the log out of your own eye be for you start search for the saw dust in someone else’s.”